Fly Fly Away

Today is a travel day. Waiting at an airport, ready to take off. A small trip but still a trip. What will this little adventure entail? Who knows.

This makes me wonder... should I just stay with my family and take care of them or should I take my youth and travel the world with it?

A mother speaks with her young child right next to me and I wonder if I'll be a good mother one day. She's giving her daughter options to travel together or travel alone. Is that the option that I'm facing as well? Such a young one to make such choices, do I have to make that as well?

Crazy what relevance other people have to our lives and yet, we become so blind to each others lives as well. How crazy is that? We can think about it before and after all we want but it seems that in the moment, we forget everything.

Time to travel. Stay safe and stay healthy, folk. It's a cold time out there.

A Reason to Travel

Traveling. One of the many joys in life. A silent reminder that we're all just one small part in a big world. And yet, the world isn't that big either.

Figuring out where you want to go and what you want to do isn't always the easiest. I'm still trying to see what it is that I want to do. Be famous? Be rich? Be humble? Be.... something.

It seems as though I've done a lot in my life, and yet, nothing at the same time. Feeling content is the most important, right? What exactly am I searching for? As many people dream of an ideal and force it upon others, sometimes I honestly wonder if I'm doing just the same. I'm just an average person trying to do big things.

Traveling around the world is one of my dreams. Having a family connection, close friends, a love, security. I want to make this dream come true. So please, I ask every force in this earth to help me. I will always be working towards this goal. It will happen.

Late Night Mumbling

For some reason, tonight was the night to look up the past and forget about the present and future. Why? I honestly don't know. However, looking through the past, I have seen that they move on. They have moved on. So why is it that I can't do the same? Making oneself feel wretched is not a way to a healthy life. I have experienced that first hand.

People will leave you. People will hurt you. People will betray you. These are the thoughts that currently run through my head. I have had so many experiences and yet, this is what surfaces. I want to believe in the better of people...so why can't I believe in myself? Why do I feel like I am the only one that's not moving forward? Maybe because...I'm not. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. How long will this plague me?

Sighs. My late night thoughts have taken a hold of me tonight. It's time for me to turn in. Let's hope that tomorrow is truly another day.

Too Much Curiosity

They say social media is a fast way for someone to drop their self esteem. I think it's rather true. It's a place for the comparison and yet, we still rely on it like no other.

Sure, there are some obvious benefits to this, like keeping up with friends and family and reconnecting with the old. However do the benefits outweigh the negatives? This I'm not too sure of.

I've always been a curious soul, always following things that I find interesting. Really though, sometimes it gets me into quite a bit of trouble. Perhaps not in the literal sense but definitely at the cost of my own sanity. Sometimes I'm not sure where to turn. I guess the only reason I'm curious is because I don't know what else to do. It's a way to keep the mound preoccupied.

Though sometimes it's difficult to see if it's really the best thing for myself, I can only see so much into what I'm doing in order to evaluate myself. Others see far more clearly and well, I don't have others here to see this anymore. Sighs. I'm a lonely soul. It's going to be a long journey if I don't change my routine soon.

It's time for a change. Let's do this right!

...right after a nap.

Tired

It's been a long road. And honestly, it's not my best. I've lost so much interest and I just want to quit. Cry like a child and not worry about a thing. Unfortunately for me, I can't do that. 

How do you deal with it when it hurts so much? How does it work when it clearly doesn't? I just want to get lost in everything. Absolutely everything. You're frustrating me. Why can't it just be for my sake? 

Why am I so dependent? Why do I over think so much? Why can't I be the type to just have fun? My brain has been completely taken over by the negative, by the crazy, by the insanity. But at the same time, it has not. I don't want to deal with this anymore. And yet, why do I care so much to the point that it hurts? 

It's tiring. I'm tired. Perhaps this is just a rant of the not so sober mind. 

Thoughts and Pondering

It has been a weird couple of days. Although I know why. Things happened this weekend that I probably shouldn't have done. Although I don't regret anything, I wonder why I feel so incomplete? 

Maybe because it's not what I wanted and finding out is a little hard to deal with. I had a dream, too about the same person. I was so happy in the dream so is it about him that I can't let go, or the feeling? It's hard to differentiate. 

Now I'm having a hard time to find some direction. In anything, really. I've decided to try to abolish everything and I don't know if I can really do it because I'm such an emotional person. In order to avoid the pain, I think I'm willing to try a lot. 

Comparison has got me weak, unhappiness has taken a hold and I need to get my life back. 

Someone, help. 

Vent Post

No, not so much about a venti drink from Starbucks but instead about people. Why do people disrespect others so much? Maybe I'm in the wrong. Probably should not have gotten so worked up about people not being committed to something but really. You sign up for something, then you don't commit 110% and then you wonder why you suck.

But seriously though. Never in my life have I been riled up to a point where I reach hopelessness in the form of a panic attack and paralysis. Do I have to go through this? If not then why do I even bother? With people, with events, everything. It's so hard to keep concentrated and just focus on the good stuff when so much is happening.

Yeah, I'm being a little female dog about things but seriously. Where have people's manners gone? Never in my life will I go through that again. That's a promise to myself. The pain of feeling that lost is not something I want to go through a second time.

No, I'm not about to quit something I've already invested so much into. However, you can bet your bottom dollar I won't be tolerating anything anymore. They want a strict female dog? Then by god they have one.

Heat

Finally, it's starting to get warm in the city. It's been crazy and fluctuating a lot. It's wet out today and man oh man I do not have the right shoes for it.

Getting a little angsty. I think I know why though. It's some frustration. I need to find a release or rather, I WANT to find a release. Damn. Someone help! It's so hard to find a good candidate though. It sucks. My network has become so young that I can no longer pick from it.

So much heat, so much passion, so much for this season. It's that time of the year again. Time to have some fun.

Stick to Blogging

In the event that there are people who do start reading my blog, I wonder how I would feel about it. It's like watching the "Awkward" series all over again when she made her blog public.

Luckily for me, I don't think people are quite as interested in blogs like that in real life. Of course, I could always be completely wrong.

So this is the current situation: a bridge of 20 years gone, in between two likes and both cause some trouble in my Heart and head, and I'm quite confused about the future. So what do I do? I don't know.

Honestly this is the first time my life hasn't been dictated for me. This is the first time I have free roam of exactly what I want t do with my life. It's so foreign and now that I've gotten the freedom that I want, what do I do with it?

At this point I just want to travel. I want to take the time to meet people in person and learn what and how they think. Everyone has so many different perspectives and I want to know about it. Maybe I can be a professional traveller. That'd be pretty cool. Haha

Stay positive right?

You know I'll do it. Do my best and that's all I can do.

Positive Thoughts

Sitting in my course and of course, I should definitely be paying attention. Instead, my thoughts wander about me. It's been easier to be positive after such a motivational speaker,

Thoughts though, will be thoughts. I'm still very prone to ponder and wonder about the things that have affected my life. I need to focus on the future and move forward from here on out. Although it's fairly hard to ignore desires. It's like they grow stronger every night.

Perhaps it's that time or I'm just thinking too much but these nights seem extra cold. Have a hand to hold would be nice and warm.

Hand to Hold

Dreary days like these are sometimes pretty lonely. You get reminded of how you had something at one point in your life and then you just lose it. Although you know you made the right choice, sometimes you still wish you had a little something more, something there. That's by far the hardest to find, I feel.

In that past, you had a hand to hold, a loved one to embrace and someone to share your thoughts with. It's such a distant memory now. Probably not something that should be pondered on but still a part of who you are today. It's shaped all your thoughts and way of life and has so much more for you that you just don't know. Not now, anyway.

Being true to myself, I miss that hand to hold.

In Your Arms

How long does it take for one person to build trust? Build a relationship? Build a bond?

Why is it always so easily broken? Why should it be such a measly thing that can be smashed away in seconds?

It's a time for contemplation. As no normal person would be awake at this time. But then again, it's normal day time in another part of the world huh? Such questions. Such answers. What are we really looking for?

The answer to me, folks, would then be love I would assume. People seek to be loved, to feel like they belong and to feel treasured in their relationships with others. Unfortunately, right now there's a lack o that love and I feel like it needs to be restored. Once upon a time, feeling loved meant to just be held by a person who sincerely had feelings for you.

Has the time come where feelings are now untrue? Why do people insist on creating these relationships that do not last and even though they think it's a mistake to go ahead and pursue it? If seems like a form of self sabotage is popular in the modern day.

Instead of this, I wish there was more love in this society. Love sincerely, love deeply and love with all your heart. Don't choose to abandon the ones that love you not should you abuse their trust. Perhaps this is a conservative view for this point in time but this is MY sincerest thoughts.

In your arms, I felt the safest. And til this day, it holds truest.

It's Been A While

Man, it really has been a while since I've posted. So many things have happened since then. Although I feel like I've grown, I feel like I'm still in the same place.

There needs to be some type of change. I'm craving for something new. I'm yearning to make a difference in my life and others' lives. The absence of love seems to be a rather challenging thing but alas, something that should not be pursued. It will come back eventually. Patience is most definitely the key.

It's been a while. The feeling of belonging to a group is foreign. Is it so difficult to belong to a place? Who knows. I'm currently fighting that internal battle. Happiness is something that I strive for and although not always successful, I will still try my absolute best.

New experiences, here I come!