December Nights, Fire Lights

Thinking, thinking, thinking through this season.

Some things have popped up in my life and honestly, sometimes I just have to wonder...can I do it? This isn't your average situation where we talk about skill, oh no. It definitely challenges the moral aspect of our lives. When should we choose to abandon our morals? Never? Well, then why do people change so often? It seems that through this life, the one thing I have learned is that people change, situations change, and well, everything changes. Sometimes it is not something that we can choose. And when these changes happen, you will be faced with the question of: will you change too? Or will you walk the rest of the road alone?

It seems like such an impossible thing to think about and it never really offers a full answer. Every person has been through their own journey and it comes down to them making their own decisions. But what do you do when you don't know the right decision to make? Like, really, you just don't know? It seems like we have a generation of indecisive beings and honestly, I can say I am one of them.

It's really become hard to tell from right or wrong and what my heart battles against my head to do. Life really isn't black and white. In fact, it's not even just that spectrum with gray, it's all sorts of colors, everything you can't even imagine. This post is probably getting confusing, huh?

Well it comes down to should I or shouldn't I? Will I regret this if I did it at the end of my road? Or will I be satisfied with what I am doing? Is it normal for a heart to hurt this way? Ah, seems as though I've given it away. Yes, quite the matter of the heart. Attachment seems quite the problem with me and well, reciprocation has been non-existent, if not rare. By far the more logical choice would be to say heck to the no! This independent girl will do her own thing! But alas, concerns of the heart leave me baffled.


Perhaps a good sleep will prove to be useful. This confusion may or may not go away, but it's worth a try, eh?

-V

The Holidays

Full of laughter, full of cheer. My favorite time and season of the year! I love holiday season. It brings the most amazing moments filled with laughter, cheer and warmth. So why is it that I feel so out of it lately? It has been the most crazy of holidays and honestly, I don't know what's what anymore.

There's a weird sensation going around and it's making me rethink a lot of things. Do I want to continue with this type of lifestyle? Do I just want to leave it? There doesn't seem to be a final solution. Searching and still searching even more. It's so hard to fulfill the list of wants because it just continues to grow more and more. Being content with what you've got is hard, isn't it?

It's easier said than done and although I say I'm grateful for everything that's in my life...am I really? Selfish thoughts and vicious thoughts still cloud my judgement sometimes and it makes me rather afraid of why do the things I do. Always seeking new things, new adventure and never settling. My heart is so confused and hurt. Perhaps I am just feeling a bit homesick and perhaps I may just be weak at this moment in time but it most definitely happens to the best of us.

I will still work hard and continue to be optimistic. However sometimes things will be thought about and things will be pondered upon. Something I probably will not be able to change. Everyone has their strange little habits. This is mine.

Endlessly pondering.

-V